There is Truth in Wine

The Age of Bullshit

I was reading about the "bullshit pandemic" the other day, and my mind leapt naturally to wine-tasting; that is, it jumped to wine-tasting terminology and how fatuous/pretentious it rings.

When Andie and I ordered up the premium tastings in Sonoma and Napa, we did very well for ourselves. The servers seemed to like us, and we had a good time with them, chatting and sipping and laughing. At almost every stop, we'd be offered extra pours of many wines not on the tasting list; often, these bonus pours were of expensive, lush wines far beyond our budget, but great fun to sample nonetheless. We speculated that the special treatment was due to our obvious, simple enjoyment of and appreciation for wines. It certainly wasn't because we're wine experts.

The servers at California's wine-tasting rooms have heard it all; don't even TRY to impress them. They sneer at and tell stories of those snobberooskies who belly up to the bar and act as if they know all there is to know about wine. "Ah yes, the 2001 meritage," (swirl, sniff, sip, exaggerated palate action) "the Cabernet grape is predominant, but the softer Merlot comes through, and oh what a nice bit the Cab Franc adds to the mix."

Whereas I, slurping at the Flora Springs Triology (a classic Bordeaux blend), blurted, "Yum!" Joe behind the bar smiled at my delighted grin, as I added, "Cherries and raspberries!" I did NOT say, "Ah so, Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Cabernet Franc, Petit Verdot and Malbec, to be sure." Wine masters can distinguish all these grapes with a swirl, sniff and sip -- not I. I could tell only that it is Cab-based, with cherry and raspberry dominating, and very smooth. Also a withering $60 a bottle, retail. But still, yummy.

"Yummy" about says it for me. "Yummy" or "Eh." To my knowledge, I have NEVER said anything remotely like "A soupcon of cocoa, with overtones of tar and leather. Brambly and a bit tight, but I daresay it will open up splendidly." Andie is more likely to say, "Omigosh, I like this one!" or, "I need chocolate with this." Mind you, at Dry Creek Vineyard, where the premium tasting led happily to the further exploration of another half dozen wines, Girlfriend managed to snag our server's interest with this pithy observation about a white wine: "It's got a bubblegum nose!" Rather than sneering, our amiable server arched her brows, grabbed a glass off the rack and poured a sample for herself, sniffing deeply. "I thnk you're right!" she laughed. "I can't wait to spring THAT on the winemaker!"

We very much enjoyed our tasting at Dry Creek, and recommend it if you're taking a Sonoma tour. http://www.drycreekvineyard.com/ Dry Creek pours its wines in a handsome building set on lovely made-for-picnicking grounds, only a few miles from a "garage winery," Amphora, where there's nothing but gravel, grapevines, a house, a cellar, and a Johnny-on-the-spot. At Amphora, you taste the wines in the cellar, a.k.a. basement, and if/when you spit, you spit into a drain in the concrete floor. Not in a nearby beaker, which Andie did, and which occasioned a near-panic on the part of the winemaker, who was (who could know?) blending and tasting and doing something scientific in advance of a reviewer's visit. Amphora is also the site of an annual semi-naked grape stomping by enthusiastic beauties from the valley who may not even DRINK wine, but know a good, messy, underwear-clad party when they see it. If you time it right, and if you're female, you too can whip off your outer garments and plunge into a vat of purple goop while drunken men take your picture.

You see, at Amphora, the slogan is " Only women can touch the grapes." Seriously. The winemaker, Rick Hutchinson, loves women and wine with a happy-go-lucky intensity. Don't ask him to choose between his two passions (and I second that emotion). Amphora also has begun to use its annual grape stomp to raise money to fight breast cancer. Wine, women, and breast cancer research: There's a winning combination. BONUS: They make Petite Syrah! It's a bit pricey ($30), but it's a deep-hued, delicious mouthful of ripe blackberries and pepper. In other words, Yum. http://www.amphorawines.com/

Gosh, I wish Kansas City had vineyards. . . and some mountains. Maybe a shoreline or two. . . but then it wouldn’t be Kansas City. It wouldn’t be affordable. It wouldn’t have those small plate tastings I’ve so enjoyed at Pierponts. . . where at least the wine steward speaks (mostly) in English. Commendably low on the bullshit factor, that’s what I’m trying to say.

One night at Pierpoints, Charlie the Wine Steward was talking up some Muscat or other multi-named French white wine, describing its lemony notes and its “hint of melon." I don't mind such descriptions. I can relate to lemon and melon, and those descriptors at least give me SOME idea of what to expect from the wine. That sure beats the graduates from the Wine School of Instruction who would have you believe Sauvignon Blancs often smell like cat piss. And that that is a good thing.

Lordy, I have three cats of my own, and three step-cats, and I can tell you that smelling their urine is not a pleasant experience. I can see saying, "herbal notes, grassy, citrusy." I can even see saying, "Ew, cat pee." What I CANNOT see is saying, "ew, cat pee," and then DRINKING.

I almost always pick up the scents and flavors of lime and grapefruit when I sample a Sauvignon Blanc from Marlboro County in New Zealand, the Emperor of Sauvignon Blanc. And I almost always read on the label of said wine that the wine supposedly smacks of passion fruit and gooseberry. As if. As if I even know what those taste or smell like. And if I did, I'd still sound like a major b.s. spouter if I said so. "Ah yes, I'm picking up notes of passion fruit and gooseberry." Try saying that at your next party, and let me know the reactions of your guests.

Words mean whatever I say they mean. Isn't that what Lewis Carroll wrote? It's apt for wine tasting: Whatever you, the sipper, tastes in the wine; whatever you, the imbiber, thinks of the wine, is the truth. In vino, veritas. Also a great deal of bullshit.